New guy at work is cool. Production guy tells him, “I can’t pronounce ‘Saqib’ so we’ll just call you ‘Bob’.”
He replies, “I’ll have trouble with ‘Rick’, so we’ll just call you ‘Bilal’.”
There is a word for the thing the llama is doing. It is the best possible word for this phenomenon. When an animal moves by moving all four feet like this at once it’s called… PRONKING.
I can’t make stuff like this up.
Okay. I’ve seen various antelope do this. I had NO idea llamas did, too!
PRONKERS GON’ PRONK.
the ancient gentleman beside me spent the whole flight reading explicit gay erotica in large print on his kindle. we have landed and he is long gone but I will remember him as a good omen, a guiding light of following one’s heart to set me on my way. godspeed, gay porn grampa. you live on in my heart.
- [I'm carrying Spencer into the bedroom to hang out with him for a bit while I get dressed.]
- Spencer [conversationally]: Shpoop shpoop shpoop shpoop shpoop shpoop shpoop shpoop.
- Me: You are SO CUTE, buddy.
- Spencer: POOP.
This tea is awful. It’s fucking disgusting. Don’t believe that lazy shit idyllic pastoral landscape on the goddamn cardboard box. It’s a damn lie and if you drink this tea you’ll know the heart of minty darkness
Like OK I appreciate that it tries to prepare you for whats inside by a cute picture on the box. Fresh green mint leaves, and some candy cane sticks to get you in that shitty assfaced Christmas mood. Look it’s even tied with a repugnant little red bow. fuck this tea.
So if you open the box and immediately steep a cup prepare to get one of those cute lil candy canes up your FUCKING NOSE and in your FUCKING EYES because this shit doesn’t know personal space in the same way a demon from hell doesn’t know a loving God.
I hope you like drinking your throat lozenges because here’s a blistering stream an actual menthol golem would piss down your fucking throat while you gag on its candy-striped wiener.
So you lock this shit in a box for 3 months while you recover from the worst toothpaste-flavored blowjob of your life and maybe get yourself together again. You recover. You move on. Things are looking pretty up and you think back, well maybe that godforsaken tea didn’t really taste like a peppermint Siberia. So you make a cup like the foolish piece of shit you are
and you’re right, but so wrong about the character and nature of your mistake you might as well star in Greek tragedy. You pathetic bag of bollocks.
because in the months its been locked in a top-shelf tomb the life and vehement mint-based hatred for the physical world has withered and desiccated out of its soulless teabag husks.
Now what you have got in your fucking unfortunate mug is a hot steaming cup of fuck you that tastes like the inside of the birch tree on the fucking box, or maybe Santa’s tears mixed with mummy dust, or midwinter leaf litter a vaguely minty dog only rolled in once.
The aftertaste stinks of wax. Why wax? Because it wants to remind you that you’re the kid who ate birthday candles in first grade, that’s why. And every single other bad decision you now regret.
fuck this tea. fuck it, it tastes like a hollow mannequin of a tea, hot leaf swill unfit to fertilize even fake fucking flowers.Maybe you could tan leather in it. I don’t fucking know but get it away from me and the human race. Fucking shoot it at the moon where it belongs with all of the other celestial fucking seasonings. fuck
This rant can be applied to about 50% of Celestial Seasonings’ teas, btw.
I read this out loud to my roommate and at the fifth paragraph I had to take a breather because I was laughing too hard to talk
That was a wild ride
I pass this along with a perfectly blank expression.
Penh was eyeing up my lollipop something fierce.
Expecting her to be repelled by it, I let her check it out.
She wiggled her antennae all over it before shoving her face right into it with the fervor of a five-year-old sugar addict. Sean managed to snap a shot of the moment!
Apparently it’s not “bad” for her, but too much sugar can’t be very ‘good’ either! Though, I’m have a feeling that she would insist otherwise if she were capable of doing so.
nom nom nom